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Blog, failed realtionship, Junrix Monter, RELATIONSHIP -

Based on the intrinsic complexity of personal feelings, there are an endless number of reasons why relationships fail.  However, I believe there are 3 primary factors that form the basis for which every other problem stems.  When a relationship turns sour you can be sure that at least 1 of these 3 factors is to blame.

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Blog, Junrix Monter, Know Your Worth, LIFE, love, RELATIONSHIP -

We’ve all been there — feeling victimized by a friend, a boss or a lover who has treated us poorly or unfairly. It’s an easy and common tendency to blame the other, make yourself out as the innocent one, while seeking out particular people who will reaffirm that pain body within that encourages a “woe is me” mentality. But if you start to look back and analyze a bit, you may realize that the there is one common denominator in each scenario and situation. That common denominator is you. You allow people to treat you the way they do. Your energy, confidence and attitude is the currency that others will transact with. I know many women who have settled for less, and simply “accepted” cards dealt because deep inside, they don’t believe they deserve more. I’m sure you know of someone who seems to have it all together in their life, but when it come to relationships, they just can’t seem to shake the habit of dating douche bags and douchettes. In my life, I’ve created my destiny within my career, friendships and community. With friends, I’ve really embraced the fact that friends are all unique pieces of a pie. Some will be lifetime friends that are next to family, some are social friends, some acquaintances. I’ve learned to appreciate the various types and unique forms of value each friend brings, and as well as a system of how much and what kind of energy I invest to whom. I am blessed with the best friends ever, but that inner circle is sacred and thoughtfully selective. However, in my relationships with people, I’ve witnessed myself apply a different system — if you can even call it a system. I’ve tolerated people who don’t appreciate me, who don’t value my heart, who take and take, who don’t call back, who have disrespected me — I’ve allowed people to not treat me what I’m worth. This is all a matter of self-esteem and my sense of self worth in the realm of being a person in a romantic relationship. I’ve made excuses, justified and eagerly re-entered the game of push and pull with people who clearly don’t really value me much at all. And you know what, it sucks and feels pretty crappy at the end — chipping away the low self-esteem that got me there in the first place even more. It took me 3 years of being hungry for love, even desperate for it at times, heart aches, heart tramples, picking up that phone when every cell in your body knows it’s the unhealthy thing to do, obsessing, infatuating, idealizing, you name it, for me to finally wake up and realize that my most important relationship is the one with myself. I’ve learned to embrace self love. And while I’ll always be a perpetual student in this journey, I’ve made the decision to apply my successful method in dealing with friendships and business to how I do my relationships. I’ve stopped apologizing for who I am and have learned that I am “perfect” the way I am, right now, right here. I will constantly be growing, evolving and working on bad habits, but those flaws, those imperfections are part of the beauty that makes me, me. I can now easily recognize people who are drawn to me only for the best of me, and as Marilyn Monroe best put it, “If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.” If I could talk to my younger self — that man desperate for love and therefore often blinded by ideas, fabrications and untruths in order to try and capture it, I’d tell him: “JUNRIX , love will come to you, when you learn to love yourself, first and foremost”. I can’t go back in time to correct my mistakes, but I can today share what I’ve learned with younger people, some who may have a misconstrued idea that giving their all away carelessly can equal love. In the words of my wise friend “Be the gatekeeper.” Your heart is a precious gift. Your body is a temple. Be selective. Respect it and be respected. Love yourself and be loved. If you don’t respect and love yourself first, building a healthy relationship with another is like building a house with no foundation — eventually the cracks and lack of a strong base will eventually cause it to crumble. Know your value and don’t accept being treated in a way less than you deserve. Now, I don’t mean to start going out there with unrealistic expectations, demands and a sense of entitlement. I am saying that you deserve to be treated the way you treat others, and vice versa. The minute you negotiate your self worth and accept less, you say to the universe that you don’t deserve any better, and the vicious cycle/pattern begins. Change for yourself and of course, friends and partners are great mirror reflections that help you grow. But don’t change out of the wrong reasons to appease someone or in hopes that they will like you more. If they judge you for who you are now, they aren’t your fit. I’ll end off with a quote from “Sex and the City” that is an inspiring reminder: “But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you you love, well, that’s just fabulous.”

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Blog, Junrix Monter, LIFE, love, RELATIONSHIP -

Sometimes people come into your life and you know right away that they were meant to be there, they serve some sort of purpose, teach you a lesson or help figure out who you are and who you want to become. You never know who these people may be: your neighbor, child, long lost friend, lover, or even a complete stranger who, when you lock eyes with them, you know at that very moment that they will affect your life in some profound way. And sometimes things happen to you and at the time they seem painful and unfair, but in reflection you realize that without overcoming those obstacles you would have never realized your potential strength, will power, or heart. Everything happens for a reason. Nothing happens by chance or by means of good or bad luck. Illness, injury, love, lost moments of true greatness and sheer stupidity all occur to test the limits of your soul. Without these small tests, whether they be events, illnesses or relationships, life would be like a smoothly paved straight flat road to nowhere, safe and comfortable, but dull and utterly pointless. The people you meet who affect your life and the successes and downfalls you experience create who you are, and even the bad experiences can be learned from, In fact, they are probably the poignant and important ones. If someone hurts you, betrays you or breaks your heart, forgive them, for they have helped you learn about trust and the importance of being cautious to whom you open your heart… If someone loves you, love them back unconditionally, not only because they love you, but because they are teaching you to love and opening your heart and eyes to things you would have never seen or felt without them. Make every day count, Appreciate every moment and take from it everything that you possibly can, for you may never be able to experience it again… Talk to people you have never talked to before, and actually listen, let yourself fall in love, break free and set your sights high… Hold your head up because you have every right too. Tell yourself you are a great individual and believe in yourself… for if you don’t believe in yourself, no one else will believe in you either. You can make of your life anything you wish. Create your own life and then go out and live in it! “Live Each Day As If It Were Your Last… Tomorrow is Not Promised”

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Blog, Breakups, FRIENDSHIP, Life Problems, RELATIONSHIP -

“No matter what kind of challenges or difficulties or painful situations you go through in your life, we all have something deep within us that we can reach down and find the inner strength to get through them.” – Alana Stewart

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Blog, Insecurities, RELATIONSHIP -

When I was younger I often felt inadequate and “not good enough” to be friends, lovers, or business partners with certain people. Sometimes I simply couldn’t understand what others saw in me. I was very insecure. I ended many promising relationships because of my insecurity. In my mind, it felt easier for me to end it before they did. Walking away rather than risking the heartbreak of rejection was how I justified my behavior to myself. But after awhile, as I grew emotionally, I began to realize that I wanted and needed the comfort and support of long-term relationships. So what did I do, and what can you do if insecurity is damaging your relationships? http://lap.lazada.com/banner/dynamic.php?banner_id=56ec119d51bce&theme=2&p=6 You need to understand that a good relationship is about sharing ideas and enjoyable moments with another, to help each other grow in healthy ways, both together socially and as individuals. If someone really does treat you poorly or lies and cheats you out of something, feeling insecure is a natural and reasonable response. However, if you’re actually in a generally good relationship with someone, then it’s time to… Stop trying to read minds. Most relationship problems and associated social anxieties start with bad communication, which in turn leads to attempted mind reading. Mind reading occurs when two people assume that they know what the other is thinking when they don’t. This process of wondering and trying to guess what someone is thinking is a rapid route to feelings of insecurity and stress. If someone says one thing, don’t assume they mean something else. If they say nothing at all, don’t assume their silence has some hidden, negative connotation. Likewise, don’t make the people in your life try to read your mind. Say what you mean and mean what you say. Give the people in your life the information they need, rather than expecting them to know the unknowable. It’s also important to remember that you aren’t suppose to know every little thing going on in the minds of others, even the people closest to you. When you stop trying to read their minds, you really begin to respect their right to privacy. Everyone deserves the right to think private thoughts. Constantly asking, “What are you thinking?” can provoke a person to withdraw from a relationship to find space. Stop looking for perfect relationships. You will end up spending your entire life hopelessly seeking the right lover and the right friends if you expect them to be perfect. Even worse, the process of doing so will drive you mad, as you feel more and more insecure with every failed relationship that doesn’t live up to your fantasy of perfection. We’re all seeking those special relationships that feel perfect for us, but if you’ve been through enough relationships, you begin to realize that there are no “perfect people” for you, just different flavors of imperfect ones. That’s because we are all imperfect in some way. You yourself are imperfect in many ways, and you seek out relationships with people who are imperfect in complementary ways. It takes a lot of life experience to grow fully into yourself and realize your own imperfections; and it isn’t until you finally run up against your deepest imperfections, your unsolvable flaws – the ones that truly define who you are – that you are able to proficiently select harmonious relationships. Only then do you finally know what you’re looking for. You’re looking for imperfect people who balance you out – the perfectly imperfect people for you. Stop judging current relationships based on past ones. Think about those times when you passed an unfair judgment on someone merely because they reminded you of someone from your past who treated you poorly. Sadly, some people pass judgments like these throughout the entire duration of their long-term relationships. Simply because they were once in a relationship with someone who was abusive, dishonest, or who left them, they respond defensively to everyone else who gets close to them, even though these new relationships have been nothing but kind and supportive. If you carry old bricks from the failed relationships of your past to your present relationships, you will build the same flawed structures that fell apart before. So if you suspect that you have been making unfair comparisons between your present relationships and a negative one from the past, take a moment and consciously reflect on the hurtful qualities of this old, negative relationship, and then think of all the ways your present relationships differ. This small exercise will help you let go of the old bricks and remind you that past pains are not indicative of present possibilities. Stop inventing problems that don’t exist. Inventing problems in our mind and then believing them is a clear path to self-sabotage. Too often we amuse ourselves with anxious predictions, deceive ourselves with negative thinking, and ultimately live in a state of hallucination about worst-case scenarios. We overlook everything but the plain, downright, simple, honest truth. When you invent problems in your relationships, your relationships ultimately suffer. Insecurity is often the culprit. If you doubt yourself and you don’t realize your own worth, you will pass on any opportunity to let others care for you, and you will remain stuck with the insecurity issues that weigh you down. The insecure passenger does not trust anyone else to drive. They feel out of control. They imagine that the driver is not paying attention. Or they may even fantasize that the slight jolting of the driver stepping on the breaks is a sign of doom via an impending collision. They freak themselves out by assuming that the visions they have invented in their mind represents reality. What you need to realize is that there are normal idiosyncrasies to any relationship. There are ups and downs and mood changes, moments of affection and closeness and moments of friction. These ups and downs are normal. Wanting to be absolutely close and intimate all the time is like wanting to be a passenger in a car that has no driver. Next time you feel insecure, and you catch yourself stressing about problems that don’t exist, stop yourself and take a deep breath. Then tell yourself, “This problem I’m concerned with only exists in my mind.” Being able to distinguish between what you imagine and what is actually happening in your life is an important step towards self-confidence. http://lap.lazada.com/banner/dynamic.php?banner_id=56ec119d51bce&theme=2&p=6 Stop focusing on the negatives. There’s no such thing as a perfect relationship. Even if it seems perfect now, it won’t always be. Imperfection, however, is real and beautiful. The quality of the happiness between two people grows in direct proportion to their acceptance, and in inverse proportion to their intolerance and expectations. It’s how two people accept and deal with the imperfections of their relationship that make it ideal. Of course, this doesn’t mean that you have to accept everyone into your life who is willing to accept you, even if they are obviously not right for you. But it does mean that if there are occasional difficulties in your relationships, you don’t have to jump to the bold conclusion that the entire relationship is bad, and become so distressed that the relationship ends, or so insecure that the other person questions your intentions. No meaningful relationship will always work flawlessly all the time. Being too black and white about the quality and health of a relationship spells trouble. There will always be difficulties present, but you can still focus on the good. Insecure people constantly look for signs of what’s not working in their relationships. What you need to do is look for signs of what is. Having an appreciation for how remarkable the people in your life are leads to good places – productive, fulfilling, peaceful places. So notice their strong qualities, cheer for their victories, and encourage their goals and ambitions. Challenge them to be the best they can be. Every day, acknowledge just how amazing they are. The floor is yours… What relationship issues do you struggle with? When it comes to your relationships, what makes you feel insecure? Please leave a comment below and share your thoughts.

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